Soundtrack To My Relationship

So as per my previous post - I don't think I can fully tell the story of me and M (and thus the story of my last two years) properly, and give it its' full dues. So in lieu of that, I will take you on a journey via the soundtrack of my relationship. 

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---The very beginning. Sitting in the basement office singing along to the playlist, this always made my heart sing and really enjoy my crush on one of the bar Managers..

"Open up your mind and see like me, open up your plans damn you're free

Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love.."

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---Bluebelle and I used to joke in the office that this was my song. I always loved the poignancy, but little did I know. He had a girlfriend when we met, this was the last time I felt strong and in control before we got together.

"I said boy, oh boy, I'm not your substitute lover"

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---A harmless crush starts to turn into something altogether more dangerous. We shared that Christmas together at the bar, and I almost forgot that he was not mine, and he knew that. It was my own reminders that kept the situation in check. It should have been his, but even then I was the one in control. Although I only know that through hindsight.

"When I see you walking with her, I have to cover my eyes"

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---The first time we met outside of work, we listened to this in the back of the cab, drunk at 4am in the morning after a magical, blurry night. I felt exactly like this, like rushing along a fast railway track on a cold Autumn evening, heart racing, the wind in your face..

"The impossible is possible tonight, believe in me as I believe in you - tonight"

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---The sensation of falling through the air. Falling, falling, falling in love..

"And for you I keep my legs apart, and forget about my tainted heart. 

Hands down, I'm too proud for love - but eye to eye, thigh to thigh, I let go"

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---I named him M, rather fittingly, before discovering this is his signature song.

"Je dis aime, et je le sème sur ma planète 

Je dis M, comme un emblème, la haine je la jette"

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---It felt wonderful. For a while I was a rainbow.

"Have you seen her all in gold - like a queen in days of old.

She shoots colours all around, like a sunset going down - have you seen a lady fairer?"

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---The mystery and bitter sweet taste of love kicks in. True magic and true cruelty. 

There is a reason that the French have an idiom for an orgasm - la petite morte, the small death. Ecstacy, euphoria, transcendence and melancholy. Love is a bit like that, in my experience.

"Fate, up against your will, through the thick and thin
He will wait until, you give yourself to him"

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---A short lived period, as the magic is replaced by revelation, disappointment and anger. The steep fall from his pedestal in my eyes. We never quite recovered, try as we might over the next year.

"The truth is hiding in your eyes, and it's hanging on your tongue, just boiling in my blood.

How did we get here? Well I think I know.."

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---When I discovered that I absolutely need someone stronger than me, or as strong as me, to help carry the load. I don't want to always be the strong one. It makes me weakened.

"You should be stronger than me, you've been here 7 years longer than me. 

You should be stronger than me."

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---Feeling it slip away. 

"I try out a smile, and I aim it at you. You must have missed it, you always do."

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---This song came on my ipod one tube journey home, and the phrase 'the writing's on the wall' really rang true. It just wasn't to be. If I'm honest, he just wasn't enough for me. He could have been, but for whatever reason he couldn't bring it out of himself. 

"We're not over but the writing's on the wall. We keep trying just so we can say we gave it all.

We're not over but the writing's on the wall. This time next year we'll be no more."