I just re-read some of my old blog.
With no false modesty, I think it's really good! It's sweet, and funny, and most importantly - honest. And I think is a good respresentation of me. Well, of me at the time.
I'm really fond of that blog. It was like a love letter to my own life, and to myself, and to the world, and I never really realised it. I thought it was just a diary of my mental life/brain/self.
I got a lot out of writing it, it helped me do a lot of real self-exploration (blurgh, pseudo-spiritual pop psychology hippies have ruined that phrase) - and a lot of much needed self analysis.
It also helped document my drama with men, over the last year of my 'Three Year Emotional Celibacy' that came after The Trilogy (of men, well boys, who screwed poor teenage Wednesday Girl up completely) - so much about the Trilogy was dealt with via that blog, particularly this one, which took me a good 2 years to finally finish, and 4 years to finally post..
The thing is, it's two years down the line, and I am different.
For a variety of reasons, or maybe just one - I have been in a relationship. And before you start, I don't mean that in the 'ohh love changes you forever, transforms you into a butterfly' sort of way, in fact I'm more of a subscriber to Bill Bailey's bang-on-point views of love - no, what I mean is.. the thing I feared most was a relationship. I had a whole big messy bunch of insecurities, and emotional hangups, and subconscious fears - and I took 3 years to myself, to really deal with them. I told myself 'I will deal with these' and then I proceeded to deal with them.
But the 3 years came to an end (a natural end - I didn't set myself a time limit!) and I felt ready. I felt strong, and complete, and young and wild, and I felt I'd put my demons behind me.
But I couldn't quite congratulate myself, as I couldn't shake a feeling of.. "Well, how do you know?"
I started to think that I may have just adjusted to my life, and pushed everything aside, and got on with things - which would be, I imagined, a similar feeling to 'the elusive 'dealing with it'.
So this would mean that, in fact, the feeling that I thought was clarity, and emotional wellbeing, could have just been a big old denial monster, hiding in the back of my mind, tricking me into rejoining the world of emotional landmines that is 'other people'.
And the only way that I would know, was by entering into a relationship (I don't know why I say that like a lawyer 'entering into a relationship' - what does that say about my opinion of relationships now! - hmm, save that thought for another time)
So I did, I met a guy, I fell in love, I became a participant in a genuine bonafide adult Couple.
And then I waited for my hidden baggage, for my invisible dusty old familiar emotional issues that I had known so well and carried around for so long, to fall out of me into a crumpled heap on the floor, like stowaways falling from a hidden cupboard on a ship already left its' port..
"A-ha!! There you are! So that's where you've been hiding! I knew it. You mischievous things, will I never be rid of you? Ok, go below deck and make yourselves comfy, I've got your beds and dinner laid out for you already, right where you left them"
(Are you keeping up with this naval metaphor? Good, because it's staying.)
So I waited for my old issues to emerge... but they never did.
I waited a bit longer, ever wary, knowing their tricks, telling myself "They're just waiting for me to get comfortable, then just when I'm feeling safe - bang! They'll pop out and shoot me in the head."
(Hmm, I've given my metaphorical 'Issue sea devils' a gun. Brilliant. Most people dread confronting their demons, I provide mine with artillery!)
But again, they never did.
And as time went on and I got further and further into the relationship, I started to realise - You know what? I think I did it. Way back when, all those years I spent in emotional turmoil, seemingly going over every single moment of my past, analysing everything to the point of madness - that really was as worthwhile as I'd always told myself it was! Because those demons that I carried around, then got rid of, then suspected I was still carrying around - and now they are gone! I've checked twice - gone!
And I've gotta say, that felt pretty damn good.
The bastard of it is that I then fell in love with a man who had never even looked his demons square in the face, let alone given them a whole metaphorical ship, ammunition, and wrestled it out with them in the manner of an old Country and Western!
But anyway, my point being this - my blog, my beloved blog, was a well-needed, well-earned tool on the road to emotional wellbeing, and I needed it desperately. I poured my heart and soul into it, and in turn it showed me what I could not otherwise see in myself. And I took to heart every single element of clarity I gained from it - knowing that my blog would never lie to me. This was mainly because it was written by me, and so was, in fact, a big old mirror into my own self/ego - therefore anything I saw in myself that I didn't want to see, it would show me loud and clear.
But now, I am returning to the blogsphere.
Tellingly, I've created a new blog, rather than joining up the gaps between then and now by carrying on with my old blog. I think this is because they are two completely different blogs.
Ok I'm sounding a bit moronic here - what I mean is, way back when, I needed that blog for a certain type of self exploration. To deal with a lifetime of 'issue sea demons', as I now, it turns out, like to call them.
Whereas now, having learnt that I've put those sea demons to rest - what do I need this blog for?
I was pondering this, just a few minutes ago, and went to make myself a cup of tea - when my mind went down an alleyway of its' own..
'So, why do you need this blog, when its' primary use previously was as a form of therapy? You are 'fixed', you no longer need the therapy, so surely the intelligent thing to do would be stop going to the therapy.. Are you clinging on to the past? Again? Now that you're back on your own, are you just finding things that used to bring you comfort, and trying to make them fit now? You know that won't work, so why are you doing that?'
(Yes, this is how my brain works - and it speaks to me in that harsh self-satisfied tone too. Stupid brain.)
'OR perhaps you still need it. Perhaps you never did get over those demons - they just wore the mask of M's demons, giving you the perfect excuse not to address yours and pretend that they'd gone away. That's it, you used his demons as a way of ignoring yours.. '
I genuinely started to panic a bit at this point, going with these thoughts, and thinking 'oh shit. It was a lie. I'd never actually dealt with anything..' and then I mentally shook myself out of it - What the hell was I thinking?? In harmlessly wondering what is the purpose of my new blog, I've let my self doubt nearly convince me that someone elses' demons were my own, in disguise, and thus the last 2 years of my life have been a lie, and the previous 3 years, a complete waste of time.
How obscenely ridiculous, and worrying is that?
And then it hit me - self doubt.
That's what I've been left with. In the ship of my emotional sea demons, the captain of all of these was Self Doubt. And whilst I spent all my time and energy hauling everything else overboard, all the remnants of my past pain and insecurity and regret - I was left with only one. The very oldest, sneakiest, most vicious and familiar of all.
'Captain Self Doubt, we meet again'
He smiles a toe curling, evil smile, and I realise - he hasn't been hiding, he's been here all along. Hiding in plain sight.
He's been with me a long time, our Mister Self Doubt - in fact, let me flashback to a moment in my teenage years that has suddenly never felt so poignant - I always wondered why it stuck with me.
I was around 14/15 (ahh the classic age for an 'I learned a life lesson' flashback) - and I had just taken a Chemistry test. I was in my period of lazy rock rebellion and as such was failing at school. I got called in for a meeting with the Chemistry teacher (a chubby blonde 30-something woman who, like most teachers, went back and forth, obscurely, from loving me to hating me, with no real in between, and for no discernible reason, at least not to my glaring teenage eyeliner-clad eyes) - so I assumed the meeting was to discuss how I'd inevitably failed the test, and why this meant I would never go to University, and would never make anything of myself, as everyone knows you're not a proper person until you've got a degree.
I was wrong - well, I had failed the test, but the teacher pointed out something else, very carefully and slowly to me - she made me look through the papers, and asked why had I received a 20% mark rather than an 80%?
I looked through, and answered in equal measures of stupidity and churlishness "Because I'm shit at Chemistry"
"No," she pointed out (looking back, I imagine she rolled her eyes) "Look closer - it's because you doubt yourself. For pretty much each question, you've written an answer, then crossed it out and put another answer. And each time, your original answer was right. Why did you doubt yourself?"
I flicked through the pages. She was right - I hadn't even noticed. In nearly all of the answer boxes, I'd written something, then gone back and changed it - each time changing it to the wrong answer. I had no answer for her, stunned, already feeling that this had some bigger relevance that my hormonal adolescent addled brain would not fully comprehend until years to come, and then a few years to come after that..
"Your original instinct is good. You are a natural learner, and you know much more than you realise. But you have a lot of self doubt, which tells you that the things that you know, are wrong. You're going to have to watch out for that."
Ahhh little did she know, my Chemistry Yoda, and little did I know - how true those words were.
That moment always stuck with me - I have always been good at identifying important matters, even if I don't understand their relevance at the time, I will keep them with me until I do - however, I thought I'd figured that one out. I thought that I'd learnt that particular lesson - and I've talked about this with Pickled Lily many-a-time (yep, Pickled Lily is still a feature in the blog, as she is of course still a feature in my life)
I had been through a similar revelatory period a few years ago, and had interpreted this as 'going with my gut' The lesson being that my gut knows best - I have good instinct, so always trust my gut - see it was right all those years ago, in that Chemistry test.
Whereas, if I'd just followed that train of thought a little farther, to its' full destination, I would have understood that half of the lesson was trusting my gut, the other half was not letting my self doubt get in the way.
Christ, what a long winded way of going about explaining/discovering why I am back in the blog world!
Haha clearly it's not to write anything of any importance to anyone but myself - but still.
The important thing is that I've discovered that this blog really is of use. It's not just me regurgitating old impulses and old habits - its a brand new vessel. And I have figured out what the difference in me is between now and then. And in the process, have discovered an old foe. Self Doubt.
I see you now, taking credit for my victories, and berating me for your failures - well no longer. I'm coming for you, Cap'n Self Doubt. You may have a head start on me, and it may take me a good long time, but I've got the wind in my sails, and I'm coming for you.
With no false modesty, I think it's really good! It's sweet, and funny, and most importantly - honest. And I think is a good respresentation of me. Well, of me at the time.
I'm really fond of that blog. It was like a love letter to my own life, and to myself, and to the world, and I never really realised it. I thought it was just a diary of my mental life/brain/self.
I got a lot out of writing it, it helped me do a lot of real self-exploration (blurgh, pseudo-spiritual pop psychology hippies have ruined that phrase) - and a lot of much needed self analysis.
It also helped document my drama with men, over the last year of my 'Three Year Emotional Celibacy' that came after The Trilogy (of men, well boys, who screwed poor teenage Wednesday Girl up completely) - so much about the Trilogy was dealt with via that blog, particularly this one, which took me a good 2 years to finally finish, and 4 years to finally post..
The thing is, it's two years down the line, and I am different.
For a variety of reasons, or maybe just one - I have been in a relationship. And before you start, I don't mean that in the 'ohh love changes you forever, transforms you into a butterfly' sort of way, in fact I'm more of a subscriber to Bill Bailey's bang-on-point views of love - no, what I mean is.. the thing I feared most was a relationship. I had a whole big messy bunch of insecurities, and emotional hangups, and subconscious fears - and I took 3 years to myself, to really deal with them. I told myself 'I will deal with these' and then I proceeded to deal with them.
But the 3 years came to an end (a natural end - I didn't set myself a time limit!) and I felt ready. I felt strong, and complete, and young and wild, and I felt I'd put my demons behind me.
But I couldn't quite congratulate myself, as I couldn't shake a feeling of.. "Well, how do you know?"
I started to think that I may have just adjusted to my life, and pushed everything aside, and got on with things - which would be, I imagined, a similar feeling to 'the elusive 'dealing with it'.
So this would mean that, in fact, the feeling that I thought was clarity, and emotional wellbeing, could have just been a big old denial monster, hiding in the back of my mind, tricking me into rejoining the world of emotional landmines that is 'other people'.
And the only way that I would know, was by entering into a relationship (I don't know why I say that like a lawyer 'entering into a relationship' - what does that say about my opinion of relationships now! - hmm, save that thought for another time)
So I did, I met a guy, I fell in love, I became a participant in a genuine bonafide adult Couple.
And then I waited for my hidden baggage, for my invisible dusty old familiar emotional issues that I had known so well and carried around for so long, to fall out of me into a crumpled heap on the floor, like stowaways falling from a hidden cupboard on a ship already left its' port..
"A-ha!! There you are! So that's where you've been hiding! I knew it. You mischievous things, will I never be rid of you? Ok, go below deck and make yourselves comfy, I've got your beds and dinner laid out for you already, right where you left them"
(Are you keeping up with this naval metaphor? Good, because it's staying.)
So I waited for my old issues to emerge... but they never did.
I waited a bit longer, ever wary, knowing their tricks, telling myself "They're just waiting for me to get comfortable, then just when I'm feeling safe - bang! They'll pop out and shoot me in the head."
(Hmm, I've given my metaphorical 'Issue sea devils' a gun. Brilliant. Most people dread confronting their demons, I provide mine with artillery!)
But again, they never did.
And as time went on and I got further and further into the relationship, I started to realise - You know what? I think I did it. Way back when, all those years I spent in emotional turmoil, seemingly going over every single moment of my past, analysing everything to the point of madness - that really was as worthwhile as I'd always told myself it was! Because those demons that I carried around, then got rid of, then suspected I was still carrying around - and now they are gone! I've checked twice - gone!
And I've gotta say, that felt pretty damn good.
The bastard of it is that I then fell in love with a man who had never even looked his demons square in the face, let alone given them a whole metaphorical ship, ammunition, and wrestled it out with them in the manner of an old Country and Western!
But anyway, my point being this - my blog, my beloved blog, was a well-needed, well-earned tool on the road to emotional wellbeing, and I needed it desperately. I poured my heart and soul into it, and in turn it showed me what I could not otherwise see in myself. And I took to heart every single element of clarity I gained from it - knowing that my blog would never lie to me. This was mainly because it was written by me, and so was, in fact, a big old mirror into my own self/ego - therefore anything I saw in myself that I didn't want to see, it would show me loud and clear.
But now, I am returning to the blogsphere.
Tellingly, I've created a new blog, rather than joining up the gaps between then and now by carrying on with my old blog. I think this is because they are two completely different blogs.
Ok I'm sounding a bit moronic here - what I mean is, way back when, I needed that blog for a certain type of self exploration. To deal with a lifetime of 'issue sea demons', as I now, it turns out, like to call them.
Whereas now, having learnt that I've put those sea demons to rest - what do I need this blog for?
I was pondering this, just a few minutes ago, and went to make myself a cup of tea - when my mind went down an alleyway of its' own..
'So, why do you need this blog, when its' primary use previously was as a form of therapy? You are 'fixed', you no longer need the therapy, so surely the intelligent thing to do would be stop going to the therapy.. Are you clinging on to the past? Again? Now that you're back on your own, are you just finding things that used to bring you comfort, and trying to make them fit now? You know that won't work, so why are you doing that?'
(Yes, this is how my brain works - and it speaks to me in that harsh self-satisfied tone too. Stupid brain.)
'OR perhaps you still need it. Perhaps you never did get over those demons - they just wore the mask of M's demons, giving you the perfect excuse not to address yours and pretend that they'd gone away. That's it, you used his demons as a way of ignoring yours.. '
I genuinely started to panic a bit at this point, going with these thoughts, and thinking 'oh shit. It was a lie. I'd never actually dealt with anything..' and then I mentally shook myself out of it - What the hell was I thinking?? In harmlessly wondering what is the purpose of my new blog, I've let my self doubt nearly convince me that someone elses' demons were my own, in disguise, and thus the last 2 years of my life have been a lie, and the previous 3 years, a complete waste of time.
How obscenely ridiculous, and worrying is that?
And then it hit me - self doubt.
That's what I've been left with. In the ship of my emotional sea demons, the captain of all of these was Self Doubt. And whilst I spent all my time and energy hauling everything else overboard, all the remnants of my past pain and insecurity and regret - I was left with only one. The very oldest, sneakiest, most vicious and familiar of all.
'Captain Self Doubt, we meet again'
 |
| Captain Self Doubt (and one of his sea demons!) |
He smiles a toe curling, evil smile, and I realise - he hasn't been hiding, he's been here all along. Hiding in plain sight.
He's been with me a long time, our Mister Self Doubt - in fact, let me flashback to a moment in my teenage years that has suddenly never felt so poignant - I always wondered why it stuck with me.
I was around 14/15 (ahh the classic age for an 'I learned a life lesson' flashback) - and I had just taken a Chemistry test. I was in my period of lazy rock rebellion and as such was failing at school. I got called in for a meeting with the Chemistry teacher (a chubby blonde 30-something woman who, like most teachers, went back and forth, obscurely, from loving me to hating me, with no real in between, and for no discernible reason, at least not to my glaring teenage eyeliner-clad eyes) - so I assumed the meeting was to discuss how I'd inevitably failed the test, and why this meant I would never go to University, and would never make anything of myself, as everyone knows you're not a proper person until you've got a degree.
I was wrong - well, I had failed the test, but the teacher pointed out something else, very carefully and slowly to me - she made me look through the papers, and asked why had I received a 20% mark rather than an 80%?
I looked through, and answered in equal measures of stupidity and churlishness "Because I'm shit at Chemistry"
"No," she pointed out (looking back, I imagine she rolled her eyes) "Look closer - it's because you doubt yourself. For pretty much each question, you've written an answer, then crossed it out and put another answer. And each time, your original answer was right. Why did you doubt yourself?"
I flicked through the pages. She was right - I hadn't even noticed. In nearly all of the answer boxes, I'd written something, then gone back and changed it - each time changing it to the wrong answer. I had no answer for her, stunned, already feeling that this had some bigger relevance that my hormonal adolescent addled brain would not fully comprehend until years to come, and then a few years to come after that..
"Your original instinct is good. You are a natural learner, and you know much more than you realise. But you have a lot of self doubt, which tells you that the things that you know, are wrong. You're going to have to watch out for that."
Ahhh little did she know, my Chemistry Yoda, and little did I know - how true those words were.
That moment always stuck with me - I have always been good at identifying important matters, even if I don't understand their relevance at the time, I will keep them with me until I do - however, I thought I'd figured that one out. I thought that I'd learnt that particular lesson - and I've talked about this with Pickled Lily many-a-time (yep, Pickled Lily is still a feature in the blog, as she is of course still a feature in my life)
I had been through a similar revelatory period a few years ago, and had interpreted this as 'going with my gut' The lesson being that my gut knows best - I have good instinct, so always trust my gut - see it was right all those years ago, in that Chemistry test.
Whereas, if I'd just followed that train of thought a little farther, to its' full destination, I would have understood that half of the lesson was trusting my gut, the other half was not letting my self doubt get in the way.
Christ, what a long winded way of going about explaining/discovering why I am back in the blog world!
Haha clearly it's not to write anything of any importance to anyone but myself - but still.
The important thing is that I've discovered that this blog really is of use. It's not just me regurgitating old impulses and old habits - its a brand new vessel. And I have figured out what the difference in me is between now and then. And in the process, have discovered an old foe. Self Doubt.
I see you now, taking credit for my victories, and berating me for your failures - well no longer. I'm coming for you, Cap'n Self Doubt. You may have a head start on me, and it may take me a good long time, but I've got the wind in my sails, and I'm coming for you.
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